5dp5dt = Depression and doubt have set in. Like many others who have been on this road, I'm struggling with the 2 week wait. Whereas the initial first few days post transfer were filled with joy and reassurance that things WOULD work, I'm struggling to remain positive and not give in to the doom and gloom.
Okay, before I go any further with my bitching, I need to point out that I officially have ZERO idea what's going on with my body. Unlike my early years in this TTC process, I know better than to symptom watch. Especially when hopped up on progesterone. I also know better than to compare cycles to one another, as what may have worked for one may not work for the other.
Here's what I do know:
1) My boobs are swollen (definitely a side effect of the PIO) and hurt when touched. Grey is loving every second of it.
2) My ass hurts. I've tried the heat pads, massaging the area and even warming the oil. Nothing helps except for time and moderate exercise.
3) My body and I hate Lovenox. Outside of the fact that I've managed to give myself a bruise that covers almost one side of my stomach (I think I hit a blood vessel), the burning sensation from the medication is painful. Lupron occasionally gave me some discomfort, but this is every fricking time.
4) Finally, I have the usual weird feelings in my uterus. Ranges between filling heavy to a warm sensation. Before anyone gets overly excited, I promise you I've had these with every IVF/FET. Comes with the territory.
All of this fuels the doubt and depression. Granted there are moments where I'm able to forget and just move on with my day. But other moments, I find myself once again fighting back tears and trying to keep the negative thoughts at bay.
I've said before that I've really been working on being present and balanced in my thinking throughout this cycle. I know logically that I've done everything humanly possible to make this cycle work, from therapy, to religiously adhering to the drug regiment, to even taking a new approach on my outlook. And so far, it's worked amazingly well.
But I also know that this is the stage where everything goes up in smoke. Where implantation either fails or miscarriages happen. Yes, yes, I know: different protocol, different doctor, different cycle all the way around. When stressed, old habits die hard.
Beta #1 is on Saturday. 5 more sleeps until we know for certain whether our beautiful snowbabies decided to take up residence in my ute. There's been some pressure to test early with hopes of giving me some relief (Grey has even offered to pee on things). Problem is, I have such negative associations with HPTs. Add in the fact that I know a BFN will make adhering to the twice-a-day injections very hard and I'm tempted not to tempt fate.
Argh. Someone slap me.
1013th Friday Blog Roundup
12 hours ago
I wish I could fast forward to Saturday for you. This waiting is the WORST. Sending many good vibes that what you are experiencing is not because of the PIO and because you are pregnant!!
ReplyDeleteI will not slap you! I will only cheer you on from here. Hope hope hope hope.
ReplyDeleteHoping for only good things.
ReplyDeleteSending positive thoughts your way!!
ReplyDeleteOh Christy, hang in there. You have been doing such good work with self care and mindful living. I KNOW you can keep it up. Five more sleeps. I'll be counting them down with you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you deserve some props for not over analyzing symptoms. So here's me, giving you props *PROPS*
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to think about what's going on in there, especially when what you really want to do is intervene and make it work! If I were you, I'd avoid the stick peeing, but I'm a lot like you in that just remembering all of those blank white windows break my heart. My husband is the one who has a hard time keeping up with the shots once we have a negative HPT. Do what you think will work best for YOU.
Many hugs, no slapping.
I am so hoping to avoid the POAS addiction my next time around. First off, it's expensive and it's not 100% accurate. I'm with you. Keeping up with meds when you "know" it's negative sucks. Good for you for holding out AND for not analyzing every little thing. I'm notorious for doing that and setting myself up for disappointment. Here's to 5 more sleeps to get really good news!! Thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...
ReplyDeletePS I love that Grey has offered to pee on things for you/with you. My hubs wouldn't go any where near that! SO sweet!
Oh man, I feel you on the Lovenox. I hit a blood vessel once and my stomach bruised completely on one side, it took weeks to heal. But seriously, I know how hard this must be for you right now, how can you not have those negative emotions after all you've gone through? You my friend, are reacting anyone else in your situation would. I know that doesn't make it easier to handle but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI think what you are doing is good though, don't over analyze every little twinge or tingle, don't go on a pee-stick frenzy, and do the best you can to keep the clouds at bay. You can do this, I know you can. And if you ever need a reminder of how strong and amazing you are I'm only a phone call away and I'd be happy to remind you. Sending you lots of love (and hopefully soon gnomes! I'm gonna knit some for you one day!)
Holy crap, I knooowwwww what you mean. We all do. Take comfort, if you can, that we understand. It's the worst. I don't know how to make it stop - and you're right, any HPT result will make the peeing on things obsession even more pronounced. Argh!!!! Hang in there Cristy! Keep Eeyore close. We're rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThe TWW is the worst. I hope Saturday gets here soon for you!
ReplyDeleteStay strong. You're doing great! You know from your own experience what works for you (like not tracking "symptoms"), so keep it up. Sending you lots of positive vibes to get you through the week!
ReplyDeleteUgh! The tww sucks. Hold strong my friend and if you can't, call me! I am still so excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI hope the next few days go by quickly...as quickly as they can that is....
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this week. I know the agony of a normal 2ww, I can't imagine how much harder an IVF one must be. I hope you are doing lots of your favourite things to keep yourself busy and distracted.
ReplyDeleteIt can be so hard to stay positive during the 2ww. You are pregnant until proven otherwise, though, more pregnant than you are at any time you're not cycling. Stay away from those sticks and let yourself believe you're pregnant for a little while, why not?
ReplyDeleteI've got everything crossed for you. sticky sticky sticky thoughts!
There are so many aspects of this journey that are horrible and the TWW is on my top 5 list for sure. I want all of these symptoms to be a sign of something positive for you. Wish we knew what was symptoms from baby and what is symptoms from stupid medications.
ReplyDeleteCome on Saturday! Give Cristy a beautiful surprise :)
Omg, you are really at the worst stage of the waiting game... just keep holding your breath for a little while longer, Saturday is closer than you think! Also, whatever the outcome, remember that this is NOT the end of your journey, it's just part of it. We're all rooting for you like crazy, though -- go snowbabies, go!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, yeah, I've heard Lovenox is a bitch, but it REALLY seems to work for so many women...
You are officially at the hardest part in all of this. Limbo-hell is what I like to call it. Although there is no name suitably bad enough to describe the emotions. Nothing comes close. Give yourself permission to slip a little though. That is why we are here, Grey, and Dee. Lean on us and use us to support you. If you sailed through this without a twinge of anxiety, fear, or old pent up emotions coming out- I would question what you weren't addressing. What you are feeling is part of the process. As long as it doesn't swallow you whole, you will come out with even more strength.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, I am always here. Just a phone call/text/email away and forever here to hold you up.
So sorry about the doubt and depression settling in. I'm like you too, the first few days post-transfer is full of hope. Then it all goes downhill. You've been doing so wonderfully so far, from reading all your blog posts. And the thing is you're still very logical, and you know that you've done everything possible for this to happen. It sucks that it's such a crap shoot and I'm sorry that I can't do much to help you get through these next few days other than to send you my love and support.
ReplyDeleteI think skipping the HPT before the beta is a good idea. As I was getting my last shot at the end of my FET cycle, I secretly thought to myself that thank goodness this would be the last shot because I was convinced that it didn't work. I can't imagine if I relayed the same sentiment to DH, it would be that much harder to give the shot.
Thank goodness your clinic has Saturday betas and you don't have to wait 2 extra days until Monday like I did. Hang in there, my friend, just a few more (difficult) days. XOXO
Well, another day down, another day closer to Saturday. I always thought of the 2WW as Schroedinger's Box, my mind playing movies from both possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI admire how you are working on staying present and balanced. I'm holding you in my thoughts.
Just a few more days...I won't tell you that you need to hold on to hope, because I really think that whatever you feel during these next few days is okay and won't change the outcome of this cycle. I do have my fingers crossed for you though. Hang in there! Sending you lots of luck!
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to second guess yourself (and everything else) during this time... I still have everything crossed for you though, and am hoping beyond hope that this is your cycle!
ReplyDelete