Practicing the art of denial

I've been dreading this post. Holding off for about as long as I could. Partly because I know how annoying it can be to still be in the trenches and to see posts like this. Partly because I know that there really isn't anything to be done.

Following our betas, Grey and I have entered the infamous 2 week wait between the BFP and first ultrasound. For the past three years, I've read countless stories of women tearing their hair out from anxiety and worry. I won't go into specifics (mainly because it's cruel to judge anyone for their behavior while in a stress-induced state), but needless to say, the theme of this period being a nerve-wreaking one always comes across loud and clear.

Grey and I have another level of anxiety to add as we have never made it past 5 weeks. With my first pregnancy, the second beta launched us into the dreaded beta rollercoaster, ending with an ultrasound that revealed a too-small sac and then a D&C. With my second pregnancy, despite the betas climbing, I had massive amounts of cramping and bleeding that ultimate lead to a completed miscarriage. The memory of blood following a BFP is still very clear to both of us.

I've been nervous. Despite the fact that there's been zero bleeding, I've gained a sense of smell that rivals that of a bloodhound and that I can't stay awake past 8 pm, it's hard not to worry during this time.

I spoke with Dee about this during our last meeting. Granted, she thought I was handling things incredibly well, viewing me as being the calmest I've ever been despite my protest that it was simply the calm before the storm. After talking about ways to maintain balanced thinking and visualization, she ended by suggesting a last ditch effort in moments that I felt completely overwhelmed: denial.

Denial is a coping mechanism that is truly a double-edge sword. Everyone experiences denial at some point. For me, denial usually sets in following news of loss or crisis, allowing me to work through the shock. Usually this is temporary, with me moving rapidly into the other stages of grief, either anger or depression. But that's the thing; I'm not use to using denial as a tool for to get through anxiety. Blame it on my chronic melancholy state, but not tackling things head on is foreign.

So, this week has been one where I've been practicing. In general, I've been able to focus more on visualization or balanced thinking. But in the moments where I'm hit with a wave of anxiety and can't drop everything to meditate, I've been putting myself into a state of denial. Denial that there ever was a BFP, denial that the betas existed, denial that anything out of the ordinary is going on. Luckily, with classes starting this week and the final fellowship application due, I've had some help.

Ultrasound is on Monday. Four more sleeps.