Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Reality check

It's been one of those weeks. You know, the ones you wish you never got out of bed.

Between advising, meetings with students about grades (translation: me calling them into my office and discussing a plan for helping them not fail my course), recommendation letter writing and editing proposals, I'm ready for a long nap. Sadly, it's only 4 pm on a Wednesday.

The last few days I've been grappling with the Lupron monster. For the most part it's been an interesting battle: there are moments where I've managed to kick the monster's ass fairly thoroughly, all while demanding "who's your daddy," while hog-tying the asshole.  Other moments, it's got me pinned, crying out "you are, YOU ARE" in hopes it will loosen its grip so I can jump it again. Grey has been watching all of this go down, resorting to finally naming the monster "Lulu." Now we just need to find a muzzle.

Last night, though, we decided to make peace. And all of this was due to two very incredible posts by two bloggers, both of whom are named contains people contained Mo.

The first post is by this Mo. I've only recently started following her blog (thank you ICLW!!!) and have already learned so much from her posts. The one last night hit me like a ton of brick: in honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday she wrote about her favorite book from his work, "Oh! The Places You'll Go." I'd never read this one, somehow missing it probably due to the fact I was a teenage when it was released. But reading Mo's post immediately opened the flood-gates. All starting from the image of the prickle-ey perch.

Grey found me midway through Mo's post and immediately wanted to know if I needed a shock-collar for Looloo. It was then that he sat down and helped me finish Mo's post, helping me read aloud Seuss's words.

The post sparked a conversation we've been meaning to have for awhile, a conversation about change. The last few years have been hard ones, with us being in a holding pattern not only with trying to expand our family but also with our work and our dreams. The excuse for a long time was that we couldn't move on because one of us was in the middle of completing our education. We're finally at a point where we are planning for the next transition, but in the meantime we're both feeling catch in a holding pattern, waiting for the outcome of this cycle, of the next year. Both of us are hurting from being stuck on the IF rollercoaster, but neither of us have been able to put words into the awfulness of the situation. Seuss did that for us.  And Mo summarizes all of this better than I ever will.

The second post came from this Mo. Only a week after the loss of her son, she is already writing about what Nadav has taught her. Her strength inspires and awes me, so it wasn't a surprise that this post would do the same.

Like many women, I'm awful at asking for help. I feel the need to sacrifice myself so others don't suffer or are inconvenienced in any way. Many times, this is unconscious, driven mainly by guilt and a mentality that I'm somehow weak. Mo's post made an outstanding case for why we need to stop hurting ourselves this way, and called on us to stop feeling guilty for asking for help.

But her post also touched on a mechanism for why we may do this, especially during periods of loss. Her observation about her parents having a difficult time seeing her grieve really hit home. No one likes to see someone they love hurting so badly. But it never dawned on me that this needs to happen. It needs to happen in order for healing to happen.

After reading both these posts, my mind was a whirl, sensing a connection from this wisdom. The answer finally hit me like a ton of bricks at 4 am: I'd been waiting quietly in the "Waiting Place." And not just while dealing with infertility; I'd been doing it for most of my life. Some how, I got it into my head that all my drama would be dealt with if I just waited my "turn." I would have my baby when it was my turn. Thing is, my "turn" never came. And despite everything I'd been told, my most memorial moments in life were when I stop waiting and took action. When, good or bad, I could own the outcome.

And I'm currently doing that. Good or bad, Grey and I are moving forward with this FET. There are no guarantees that this will work and even if I am lucky enough to end up pregnant, this doesn't mean I will end up with a baby. But that's not the point. The point is that I'm finally doing something.

T minus 8 days till I'm off the Lupron and get to say good-bye to Lulu. Till then, I'm holding out hope for a muzzle.


  1. I am proud of you. I'll be here. In fact, I think it's high time we have a phone vent session. Just get it all out. Onto something productive.
    I am glad Looloo's days are numbered.

  2. Both of those posts struck a cord with me too. I'm glad they helped you frame your situation in a helpful way.

    Last year was entirely a year of transition for us, after many years in a holding pattern, and while we didn't add a child to our family in 2011, and now we won't in 2012, everything else was still really exciting (and stressful!). Although we're still fighting our fertility issues, I think we really are in a better place now than we were last year. I wish the same for you and Grey!

  3. I always feel better when moving forward. I hope that you get out of the 'waiting place' sooner than later :)

    Both Mos posts were terrific.

  4. I am so happy that you are finally to the point of tackling FET. I have followed a few blogs on here where babies have been lost so far into the pregnancy. These woman have indescribable strength. There arent even words for how much admiration I have for them.

  5. You write beautifully, and have a knack for putting into words the thoughts that are going through my head. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through all this. I hope this works for you, and the Lupron monster becomes a distant memory!

  6. I detest Lupron crazies. I really hope this FET brings home the baby. Good luck!

  7. You are amazing! I have been feeling very stuck too...not even with TTC as much as a whole life kind of stuck. Your post really resonated with me today. Mo and Mo have a lot of strength, and you do too.

    BTW - I used "Oh, The Places You'll Go" in my wedding vows. :)

  8. Ugh. I know exactly what you mean about the holding pattern situation. I feel like I spent 6 years of grad school plus 3 years of postdoc in that-- not all of that was actively TTC and one might argue that much of it was for career advancement, but it did not often feel that way. I now know that I was pretty darn depressed the whole time, and I think it was precisely because of that holding pattern feeling-- that and feeling passed by by the rest of the world. I can feel that difference entirely now that I am out of that holding pattern (on both fronts). I did not realize it at all, though, till I was out of it.

    You will be getting out of your holding pattern soon! Hang on, it is almost over!

  9. I've been there with that feeling about waiting my turn. I do that in a lot of areas...I've done it with work, I've done it with my feelings about infertility, I've done it with my volunteer organizations. Also, like Mo #2, I tend to isolate when I'm depressed, which isn't really a good thing.

  10. First of all, thank you for saying such nice things about my post.
    I am soooo happy for you that you've realized you're in a holding pattern and are taking steps to break it! I'm going to post about this in the coming days, but it took our nightmare to make me realize that I was in a holding pattern for the two years we've been on the TTC roller coaster.
    As much as we want children, this stubborn chase shouldn't mean the rest of our life should be on hold. It's easy to find excuses not to move forward, and just acknowledging that you can do better is half the battle.
    And thank you so much for your support over the last couple of weeks, I'm glad that you found me and glad to have added you to my reader.
    Wishing you luck, and sending you love and light.

  11. First, thank you for your kind words about my post.
    I am so happy for you that you've come to the realization about your holding pattern. It took a tragedy for me to come to that conclusion, and the fact that you are acknowledging it is, I think half the battle. We spend so much time chasing after the dream of a child that it's easy to use that as an excuse to ignore that other part of us - the one that has other dreams and ambitions.
    And thank you so much for your lovely comments and support over the last couple of weeks. I'm glad you found me and I'm equally glad to add you to my reader.
    Sending you love and light, and wishing you much luck!

  12. Seems like so many people battling IF get stuck in that holding pattern and it's a bad place to stay in for very long. We got stuck there longer than I care to remember, but the day we decided to make the appt with the RE was a day that the weight on our shoulders became a little lighter.

    We've certainly experienced more ups and downs since then, but for the most part, there is a peace, an excitement and a resolve to fight for our families as we continue to move forward.

    I'm happy for you guys and will be here cheering you on every step of the way!

    If you need a little distraction, I tagged you in some random questions on my page!


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