Sunday, December 3, 2017


Friday was a weird day. Following a morning where the course professor took another public dig at me, I had an afternoon that basically displayed his incompetence to the administration. The short of it is we had a student miss her final presentation. While I followed up with admin to make sure nothing bad had happened, I got pushback and was told to leave it alone. Turns out this student was in crisis and is now getting help. But I'm paying for my decision to push as doing so could paint the person who told me to leave it alone in a negative light.

In addition, I *believe* I had a strong interview for a position I'm pretty excited about. I'll find out next week. And I learned Friday that a friend was offered a permanent position. So there was reason to celebrate.

All of this combined with being sick has resulted in me being beyond exhausted. The desire to sleep has been so high that doing basic tasks like cooking and cleaning have been extremely difficult. Never mind continuing to job hunt and prepare for another interview.

I struggle when I hit the wall. Whereas others have an ability to go with it, dropping everything else so that they can recover and heal, I find myself overcome with guilt. I blame myself for our current predicament, both with job instability and with missing that the Beats were so unhappy with their previous school (because we have a LOT of evidence that they are thriving now).

But I'm also struggling with anger over having hit a wall and feeling like help won't come. If I'm being honest, this was the root of the issue with me blowing up at my FIL. It's a hard period and the idea of emotionally managing him and the fallout from a visit is just too much. Something that my in laws are unlikely to see, even when explained.

Sadly, I don't know a way around this. This afternoon needs to be spent moving our stuff out of the basement so the heating system can be replaced this week. The uncle asked us to avoid purchasing storage as our landlord apparently cannot afford to pay for it (but she can afford her summer home). In addition, we need to decide whether it's possible to live here while the heat is being replaced. This on top of everything else.

Hence my exhaustion gets to wait. Even though I know that with a bit of recovery, I could manage everyone else a lot better.


  1. Take care of you!

    As for the work situation, he is a pompous asshole who has gotten away with bad behavior for far too long. Plus, on the bright side, it's not like they can fire you again.

    As for the Beats, I'm sure it's hard not to feel guilty. Try to remember that in the grand scheme of their educational experiences and life, that the four or so months they spent in the other place are nothing more than a small blip on the radar. They are in the right places now, and She Beat is getting extra help that will help her thrive.

    As for the situation with your FIL, I don't know what to say. I just want to wrap you up in a big hug.

    As someone who lived without heat for the better part of 72 hours last March (February?) and both hubs and I ended up sick as a result, I'd recommend forcing the landlord to put you up in a hotel for the duration of the repairs. It's not ideal for anyone, but you'd be warm, and you could avoid getting sicker. I'm no HVAC technician, but from the sounds of what they need to do, it's going to take more than a day or two.

  2. Oh yikes - I'm sorry and frustrated for you on so many counts. Regarding your work situation, I saw a mug yesterday that describes my feelings about your course professor: Sometimes, people just need a hi-five. In the face. With a chair. (Note: I am not advocating actually harming any chairs, but the mug made me laugh. Hopefully you get a smile, too.)

    The landlord should be putting you up somewhere with heat, OR giving you space heaters and compensating you for the increased electricity. You have every right to this, and I"m so sorry it's another fight you have to go through.

    As for FIL blow-ups. . . .there might have a been a situation, two weeks after we lost our daughter, when MIL came up to me one morning and asked, *brightly* "What are we going to do today?" And I might have responded, a bit harshly, that what I was going to do that day was to get out of bed and get a shower, and since I'd already done that, I was calling it good. She wasn't too pleased with that. So I get the blow-up with in-laws experience and while I have no words of wisdom, I do hope you can be kind to yourself and understand it's totally reasonably given everything else you're juggling.

  3. Ummm, yes -- you know the laws better than I do, but I think your landlord needs to compensate you & arrange for alternative accommodation while the repairs are made. It's bad enough to subject you to the cold & misery, but you have small children to think about, for crying out loud. :p


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