"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger, but faces it head-on." ~Alice Duer Miller "Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time." ~ Author unknown
This time of year always creeps up on me. The temperamental weather brings a false-sense of security that Winter is still here instead of Spring being just around the corner. But Spring is coming, forcing its way quietly into the world. And with this emergence of life comes the reminder of all that was lost.
I'm been lucky to be allowed to grieve in my own way. To be afforded the ability to feel anger, to cry, to have days where it hurt to even move. David and Dee helped me and Grey build that solid foundation to weather the grief and encounter the tidal waves. Despite this, there are still sore points. Moments where the grief catches me unexpectedly and forces me under. While others joke about April Fool's day or comment on emerging flowers, I find myself fighting back sadness.
They would have been 3 1/2 yrs old by now. Rocking out in preschool and getting into all sorts of trouble. And though I know that their existence would have meant that we would likely not have the Beats, I still can't help missing them.
I'm still learning to forgive my body for all of this. Learning to forgive those who abandoned us during this period. To let go of the anger from it all. This comes in waves too. There are days I think it's mastered only to pull me back under. Forgiveness is such a funny thing.
For now, all I can do is keep trying. Keep living. All while remembering the beauty and life that was here, even though for only a short time.
After many blissful years of marriage, my husband Grey and I decided to toss the birth control and take the plunge into parenthood. What we've encountered instead is a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and an inability to stay pregnant. Now, after two losses, a failed FET, a diagnosis of APA syndrome and an early delivery & NICU experience, we are finally parenting our miracle twins. This is our story.