"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger, but faces it head-on."
~Alice Duer Miller
"Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time."
~ Author unknown
This time of year always creeps up on me. The temperamental weather brings a false-sense of security that Winter is still here instead of Spring being just around the corner. But Spring is coming, forcing its way quietly into the world. And with this emergence of life comes the reminder of all that was lost.
I'm been lucky to be allowed to grieve in my own way. To be afforded the ability to feel anger, to cry, to have days where it hurt to even move. David and Dee helped me and Grey build that solid foundation to weather the grief and encounter the tidal waves. Despite this, there are still sore points. Moments where the grief catches me unexpectedly and forces me under. While others joke about April Fool's day or comment on emerging flowers, I find myself fighting back sadness.
They would have been 3 1/2 yrs old by now. Rocking out in preschool and getting into all sorts of trouble. And though I know that their existence would have meant that we would likely not have the Beats, I still can't help missing them.
I'm still learning to forgive my body for all of this. Learning to forgive those who abandoned us during this period. To let go of the anger from it all. This comes in waves too. There are days I think it's mastered only to pull me back under. Forgiveness is such a funny thing.
For now, all I can do is keep trying. Keep living. All while remembering the beauty and life that was here, even though for only a short time.
Forgiveness is like that for me as well. I Think it is happened, and that it is done, and then I realize that it's not. I guess forgiveness is a lot like grief in that way. You keep having to work through it, In different ways and for different reasons.
ReplyDeleteThe body remembers, the heart remembers, the body forgives, the heart forgives. I understand ... every February I grieve, and every year it's a little bit different. Wishing you moments of peace and joy in body and heart, even when (because?) that is complicated by what was lost.
ReplyDeleteDitto Noemi and Justine (the two comments I can see as I write my own).
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you during this fickle season.
Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThough we grieve different things, when it sneaks up on you, it can knock the wind out. But you have some amazing support and you have allowed yourself to heal. You will always grieve, as I believe no one ever get over such a loss, we learn to live with the grief and continue with life. Revel in what is and grieve what was and was lost. Forgiveness is part of that process, whether it's forgiving your body or the universe or an individual. Sending all the hugs and love....
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you remember and work through grief that ebbs and flows at this time. It's so hard to forgive a body for betrayal, for causing loss, and I love the quote about forgiveness coming WITH anger, not pushing it down or to the side. So much love to you at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteThis is a hard time of year for me too, for similar reasons (including the weather!). Sending (((hugs))).
ReplyDelete