Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Crossroads

Saturday morning, I woke up early to help Grey stave off a headache. The stress and the grief from the news on Friday had brought on yet another potential migraine, so we both knew how important it was to tackle it early. Three cups of coffee and some tylenol later, we were sitting in bed talking about the events from the last 2.5 yrs. Together, we recapped everything that had happened, marveling at the journey so far.

I remember back before we decided to try for children imagining what it would be like to be childless. There was no better way to bring on the tears than to imagine everyone around me pregnant or cuddling their children while my arms were empty. Yet on Saturday, despite the fact that I was now living the thing I feared so deeply, I felt a sense of relief. Gone was the anxiety caused by this image of never being able to become pregnant. For the first time in almost 2 yrs, I felt peace.

The past few days, I feel myself waffling between moments of utter calm and moments of despair. On one hand, the jealousy I use to feel when seeing a pregnant women or couples with infants/small children is gone. On Sunday, I was able to watch a family play with their daughter while at a coffee shop, an activity that would have previously been a source of pain that was now something I could marvel at. At other moments, though, I find myself sobbing for what has been lost.

Something else has shifted, though.  Something that I never expected. With the decision to halt treatments and the reflection on Saturday came the realization that both Grey and I have been playing it safe these past few years. We've stopped taking risks, be it in our careers, our home life and even in our extra curricular activities all in the hopes of building a family. Yes, stability is important for children. But too much stability leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to rot, decay and regret. Stagnation leads to "what ifs" and lost dreams. Stagnation is a poison. And we were slowly dying because of this stagnation.

So on Saturday, we decided to start taking some risks again. For both Grey and I, our careers are our tickets to adventure. Grey is nearing the end of his postdoc and I am in a place of transition, where I could easily settle into a comfortable position. Instead, we decided to pursue our contacts in Boston with me hoping to line up a much desired postdoc. The position would not be easy, with me having to learn many new skills in a very short period of time, but the work is fascinating and it will open so many doors for the future. The interview is at the end of July.

In addition to the career, I made a decision that it's time to focus on becoming healthy. And I'm not just talking about being physically healthy. With the help of David and Dee, I've began delving into my childhood, reliving some of the more painful memories of abuse and neglect. For the first time, I started talking about what I actually had lived through, sharing my insights with them and Grey in the hope that we could work together towards finding a resolution and breaking the cycle. These first few sessions have already been challenging and there are moments where all I want to do is crawl back into my cave and pretend that all of this is a nightmare. Yet, I know I can't. I can't because I need to be healthy for the road ahead. I can't because my children deserve someone better. After everything I've lived through, I deserve a better me too.

And finally, we've begun preparing ourselves for the next leg of this journey. With our upcoming seminars comes a list of required readings about open adoption. I've ordered the books and we've downloaded the questionares. In addition, I've begun hunting for blogs and additional resources about adoption, hoping to glean knowledge about this process from those who have walked this road ahead of us.

On Monday, Grey and I celebrated our 8 yr wedding anniversary be staring at the crossroads. While most couples spend their anniversaries at a celebratory dinner, we spent the night making plans for the journey ahead and patching our wounds. At one point, Grey held my hand and looked deep into my eyes. "At least I have you," he said before he wrapped his arms around me. All I could think of was how lucky I was at the moment. And clinging to him, I promised him that we would always have one another.

I promised him that somehow, some way, it would be okay.

24 comments:

  1. Hi. I,m here from Mel's LFCA, and just wanted to reach out to you. And to let you know that what you told your husband was true, even if you don't quite believe it just yet. It will be okay, however this works out. It gets better. It really does.

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  2. Cristy, I am sorry that you've had to travel this road, but I am amazed at how resilient you are. There is so much hope coming out of this post. You and Grey will be okay, you will have wonderful, exciting lives and someday you'll grow your family.

    Happy anniversary and good luck with your dual job search! (I'll be your friend if you move to Boston :) )

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  3. What a beautiful post, Cristy It sounds like you are starting on the path towards healing and that is so good to hear. And you're really coming to Boston next month!? If you want to get together, let me know! How fun and exciting that would be! xo

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  4. Thoughtful, sad, happy and beautiful!
    Oh, how I can relate to so many of those thoughts and the preparation I did to try and be more ready myself to maybe not ever be a mom before our last IVF results. (I don't think adoption would be an option for us, personally.)

    It sounds like you are living more healthy already and I can only imagine how much more you and Grey can do together. *big hugs*

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  5. I love that you are making all these plans. And, as a resident, I highly rec Boston as an excellent place to live. Although that might be selfish of me - then I might get a chance to meet you! :)

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  6. This is beautiful and inspirational. You have been in my thoughts so much lately. Grey sounds wonderful and oh so sweet - his comment about at least having you brought tears to my eyes. It feels like things are starting to shift for so many of us ... Definitely a time of transition. Good for you for embracing change and risk - I know the feeling of stagnation... Even taking a vacation in the fear of missing my baseline day has been wreaking havoc on our sense of freedom...

    You rock.

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  7. what great news on the job! Somehow, someway, great things are going to happen for you two. I feel it deep down.

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  8. You found some powerful realizations about being stuck in the waiting for baby. I can very much relate. All the things put on hold. How exciting to make some moves career wise. You seem to have a strong relationship and marriage. And it will be okay, now I'm curious to see how the next chapter play out in this story.

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  9. I'm glad that you've reached a place of peace on this journey.

    I know that things will be ok for you and Grey. You're both very strong and resilient...and you have each other. :)

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  10. I'm happy that you and Grey are staying strong. I know for a fact that this isn't going to be easy because I'm getting ready to close the door on my own DNA in a few months. Hoping that soon you'll have an adopted child to love and care for.

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  11. I am so happy to hear that you two are finding ways to move forward toward a happier and more fulfilled life. I think the things you have discussed and done recently just shows how strong and smart you are. You didn't waste a ton of time wallowing in your failed cycle, you mourned, picked yourselves up and began making positive plans. I am so proud of you you both and am in awe of your self awareness and goals.
    I can't wait to see how this pans out my friend.

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  12. Beautiful. I am happy that you are in peace. xoxo

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  13. Beautiful. I am happy that you are in peace. xoxo

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  14. This post made me cry. Especially the bit about what Grey said to you. In the end, for all of us on this journey, we do at least have our partners/husbands and this is just such a comfort. Grey sounds like a rock. Very proud of you for everything you are going through right now.

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  15. Happy anniversary! I am currently struggling with finding peace. I was also just discussing "the rot" with a coworker earlier today. This process can consume your life, before you know it, years go by and nothing has changed except the depth of your pain. You're an inspiration.

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  16. I'm so glad that you and Grey are moving forward together. It sounds like over the last 8 years, and especially the last 2, you've become stronger and can lean on each other. Happy anniversary.

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  17. Hubs and I *just* talked about this realization that we've stopped taking risks too. I know exactly what you're talking about. The two of you have such an incredible relationship and are so strong. I have no doubt that together, you will become even stronger and can have this new life from this new chapter. And you will be amazing at it! So much love to you both. Happy anniversary!

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  18. I know what you mean about stopping taking risks... I'd never thought about that and the effect it has. You always have so many wise words and a refreshing perspective. Thinking of you always xoxo

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  19. Things will be "okay" for you...it is just that the "okay" you thought it would be (biological children) will be a different "okay". In fact, it will be the BEST! It is just the journey that is difficult. Wishing you the very best as you both work through your next steps.

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  20. Extremely well-written post.
    I wish you all the best luck on this next chapter in your lives; both on the Adoption front and in terms of all the "me projects" that you are going to take on. It's so easy to fall into a trap of neglecting oneself.
    When Jason and I first got together, my entire focus was on trying to figure out an inner tempo that would have us both marching to the same beat. Later, my energies were devoted to trying to conceive. During the past five years - except for a brief recovery from a severe anxiety attack last spring - I have completely ignored myself. I stayed in a job that was a terrible fit for me; six years ago, I took the job because I HAD to work to pay the bills. Circumstances had changed, but I was so distracted by other concerns that I didn't realize it was time to move on.

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  21. Hey Cristy. This was such a touching post that I waited to comment until I had time to read it a second time. It is wonderful to hear that you and Grey are in sync, and are able to look into the future and find excitement there.

    When you talked about being able to look at children now without jealousy, I can totally relate. Not that I'm there 100%, but I'm at least getting closer.

    There are exciting and happy experiences in your future, Cristy, and I can hear your optimism. Thinking of you!

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  22. Happy anniversary!

    Loved what you said about stagnation. Been thinking a lot about that myself.

    As a fellow in the fertility wars, I completely feel what you're saying. I've reached the point recently when I'm wondering at what point I'll close the book on trying to have 'my own' and move on to other options.

    As an adoptee I can tell you that the world needs some kick ass adoptive parents (so I'm glad to see the world is getting some more), and that in my experience adoptee's tend to be the most loved children in the world (as I was).

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  23. Just catching up reading. Happy Anniversary! It makes me so happy to hear you and Grey have found some peace and are kicking your lives back into high gear. I totally know how IF puts the rest of your life on hold.

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