Bringing the struggle to light

It's been a couple of weeks, with me sinking into a dark place as bad news followed bad news. I've been confronting shame and guilt. Fear and uncertainty. Moments where I haven't felt safe talking about them as I didn't want to be a source of pity or judgment.

Slowly, I've been reasoning my way out of this viewpoint. Having inner dialogue about how writing about it all after it's been worked out will only leave me miserable and how the best way to counter shame is confront it head on. Funny how easy this advice is to give and yet to follow.

So here's the skinny: 2 weeks ago Grey and I have an excellent offer on our condo. The two hurdles in front of us was the appraisal and the resale certificate. The appraisal would have come back fine, given what the market has been doing, but the resale certificate stopped us dead in the water. It revealed a potential project the HOA board has been talking about for a number of years with one bid we used for developing a savings plan. And it was that information that caused our buyer to jump ship. It made the property toxic.

I've done a lot of crying and screaming. There have been moments where the anxiety got the better of me. The road ahead is very uncertain, but what has become clear is that those guiding us do so to profit themselves. It's hard not to be bitter about that.

But something else has come out of this. For years, Grey has blamed me for this condo. I pushed hard to purchase it early in our relationship, arguing that it would be a good starter home for us. I never expected the recession or to be locked in as long as we have been. And so he's been very angry with me. Losing this seller and my subsequent meltdown has sparked him to reanalyze all of that. To recognize that things have gone far beyond all that we could controlled and our choices didn't cause this. Hence we been slowly working together to come up with a solution.

Despite this, asking for help has been hard. There's a moment of opening yourself to judgment that is utterly terrifying. That something is wrong inherently with you and you somehow deserve this fate. I've found myself drawing away, becoming more withdrawn. Life seems to pass around me without me being a part of it. It's a weird existence.

All of it has me remembering infertility. Though the empty pit of sadness filling my stomach doesn't exist this time, the anxiety and quiet moments spent running scenarios through my head do. And I'm realizing that the only way to get out of this cycle is to start talking about it.

Mali wrote a post today echoing all of this and another post from Jess about wanting her story told really drove this home. That life isn't about the perfect or finished products that society values. Sure, they're nice and wonderful when they happen, but often it's the messy stuff that sculpts us and makes us into who we ultimately will be.

So as of today, I'm bringing our current struggle to light. Talking about my ongoing struggle to understand construction bids and terminology, figuring out financing for a HOA and trying to determine if we need to terminate contracts with those we've worked with. All this from 3000 miles away and while juggling the rest of life. Planning a coup d'etat has been an interesting experience.

Anyone who has undergone a full reclad project, please feel free to offer sage advice.

Small and brown

Ladies and gentlemen, I live with a 7 lbs drill sergeant.

If she wasn't so cute, we would have strung her up by her toes by now.

All of it started (as it does every year) with the birds. Spring means all the birds return. With the birds returning (and mating), comes pre-dawn singing. And with the pre-dawn singing from birds comes pre-dawn chattering and crying for felines.

For years Grey and I couldn't figure out why Jaxson and Daisy were merciless in the Spring. Until I had an office mate who worked with large birds of prey who educated me. So we suffered through this period, with gentle tweeting in the morning. Praying for summer to arrive.

But then we moved from the Pacific Northwest to the New England.

And Oh. My. God.

Not only are there birds EVERYWHERE. They are noisy!!! Noisy enough to wake me up at 4:30 am every day. And this noise hasn't helped with the cats going into full orgasmic mode. Nor has the bird baths outside the windows (bird porn for felines). So we've been miserable with the status quo of Spring Fever mode.

On Sunday, Daisy upped her game.

One of the benefits of our new home is a spacious deck. In the mornings, when I can no longer sleep, I've gotten into the habit of letting both cats out onto the deck to sit and enjoy nature. On his end, Jaxson is in heaven to sit and observe his surroundings. But Daisy has been testing the boundaries; exploring her options for escape. I found every one very quickly and was good about watching her, but she lured me in to a false sense of security with good behavior of lounging and seeming uninterested.

On Sunday afternoon, I wandered down to the garden to check on the plants and that's when I spotted her walking through the garden. She had navigated her way over the deck, down to the landing and to freedom. The second Daisy spotted me, she bolted. Dashing through the garden like a fairy who had been spotted. Only one word crossed my lips.

"Shit"

10 minutes later, as I tried to catch her, "Shit" turned to "Bitch" as she began using the fence to escape any attempt at capture.

Finally Grey came to the rescue with offerings of cream. Luring her in with its milky goodness before returning her to the confines of the apartment.

She's been relentless ever since. Testing windows, eyeing exits and yeowling to be let back out. She's tasted freedom and has decided her life as an indoor cat is something of the past.

Life has been interesting. I feel guilty for keeping her locked indoors. She would love to roam. But I'm very aware of the damage cats do to local wildlife and part of our rental agreement is that Jaxson and Daisy don't eradicate the local bird population. In addition, we've recently spotted a Merlin Falcon that is visiting the garden. And though we're use to much larger raptors (Bald Eagles and such), this one would be happy to have a cat for a meal.

So I'm stuck with an unhappy small brown cat. May summer come soon.

Herbs and fairies

Back in March, I wrote about my wish to regarding Martha's garden. I'm here to report that wishes do come true. Many wishes in fact.

First off, the garden is blooming. Every morning, we're greeted to this.

Secondly, Martha has generously given the Beats access to 3 of her garden boxes. So we planted herbs: basil, thyme, mint, sage, rosemary and parsley.

And strawberries

And in the final box, lavender

Some onions bulbs (just for fun)

And some carrots and sunflower seeds, which we are waiting to sprout.

In addition, Martha has added an extra special treat: Fairy houses.

Every morning, the Beats go into the garden to visit the houses and say "good morning."

Every evening, they arm themselves with their watering cans and get to work watering their plants (and some of Martha's too). And then they say good night to the fairies.

Discussions about flowers and vegetables happen frequently at the moment. Bird and small mammals are also of interest. We'll be talking about bugs very soon.

In the meantime, I'm in heaven. Under Martha's watchful eye, things are growing and thriving. I'm healing too.

#MicroblogMondays: Letter to the buyer

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

On Friday, our condo listing went live. Grey and I have been preparing ourselves for years for this moment. Watching the market, doing repairs and updates to our condo that we could afford and would meet our needs. After a fail-start of trying to sell directly to our renters, the decision was made to take the plunge and actually list.

Our unit has been on the market for a total of 4 days. This morning we got an offer for more than the list price, without contingency of financing and a request to close as soon as possible.

In the packet of material we got from this potential buyer was a letter to Grey and me, with her talking about how she loves the unit, the views, the location and all we've done. How there's so much potential with the space. The excitement in this possibility is there and she's hoping we will accept. As I read through the letter, my own narrative began to fill in for a response that likely will never be. The things that will be left unsaid.

Like that first night in our condo after we purchased it, standing out on the balcony to watch the sunset.

Or the time Grey was teaching me how to wire a two-way light switch, which resulted in a pop, leading to a trip to the hardware store. After he rewired the switches and was testing them, I waited till he flipped the top switch 10 times before yelling "BANG!" He still hasn't forgive me for that one.

Or the time S.ears delivery failed to drop off our new stove, leaving me to cancel the order, enlist a new neighbor and drive up to the store to purchase one there, only to turn around and drive it back to our place that evening for me to install. 

And, of course, there's the memories revolving around infertility. The corners I cried in, the doors that were slammed, the stairs I collapsed on when I learned I was miscarrying, the floors that were being replaced during that failed FET.

But also those same stairs the Beats learned to climb up. The windows we stood holding them to show them the mountains. The kitchen sink where they got their first baths and later the bathtub they would bathe in together.

A decade of memories in a place we called home.

Tonight Grey and I will go through this offer, but it is likely we will accept it. Beginning the process of closing this door on a chapter of our lives.

#MicroblogMondays: Countering the shame of infertility

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

A few years ago, while working as a lecturer teaching genetics, I spent a class period talking about diagnosing genetic diseases and twin studies. Following spending weeks talking about classical genetics, my students were a lot more alert and immediately had lots of questions about all the different assays. It was during the discussion about twin studies that I learned I have two students who had a twin/ part of a triple. Both students began sharing with the class their family history and answering questions about fraternal vs identical siblings (which helped drive home the distinction). But then they both did something I wasn't expecting. Both of them talked about how they were conceived through IVF. I was utterly shocked not only to hear them share this information openly with their fellow classmates, but to also see the pride that was there as they talked about how they came to be in the world. The pride they had particularly in their mothers for undergoing these treatments.

I thought about these students over the weekend, both with the looming holiday, but also following this video by Leah Campbell (formerly Single Infertile Female). 

If you read Leah's post about this project, you'll find that her request for stories was met with overwhelming amount of entries and people sending pictures. And after watching this video and wiping away my own tears of gratitude, I got to thinking about the stigma and myths that is associated not only with infertility, but also with fertility treatments and the paths to resolution.

And it made me wonder why this is. Why there is still this stigma.

With my students, there was a clear pride about how they were conceived. Talking with them both after that one class, they both were aware of the struggle their parents went through to conceive them. One talked about her mother's 3 rounds of treatments prior to the pregnancy that lead to her. The other talked about PCOS. And both talked about how much their parents rocked and were so brave. "Infertility is a terrible thing," one said. "Which should tell you about how much my mom rocks."

Despite this, there's still a debate about whether to share information like this with children. Unlike adoption, where more data is showing the importance of openness about the child's history, a couple can easily remain mum about ever having dealt with infertility to begin with. For years there's been discussions about how this should be a choice for the couple who survived this trauma and are now parenting their biological children.

Yet, given what I've seen, I wonder if by remaining quiet we're actually perpetuating the myth of shame surrounding this disease. And that we are also underestimating our children in the process, assuming they couldn't handle this information.

I'm the first to admit that I'm coming at all of this with one point of view. That my decision early on to be out of the closet has colored my view point. But, like with adoption, I'm wondering if it's time we revisit this topic. That if we want recognition that infertility is a multifaceted disease that affects 1 in 8 couples in the US (1 in 6 couples in Canada and 1 in 4 couples globally), we need to start talking about this. 

And this includes with our children, sharing with them how they were conceived. Giving them the chance own this part of their story too.

Another gift nobody wants?

Grief has been a topic more people are willing to talk about. From Pixar's movie "Inside Out" to Beyonce's new album "Lemonade," the taboo of talking openly about pain and sadness is being shattered as we speak.

But what about anger? That negative emotion that fuels acts of aggression and even violence? Is anger considered a healthy emotion or is it something that we need to acknowledge, but quickly quash?

Today that's been a question I've been wondering about following this post about healing following miscarriage. Before I go much further, I need to emphasize that I have a lot of respect and admiration for both Danny and Mara and the work they do. The are one of my many examples I point to of people who are living full lives following trauma, particularly that of infertility. I also respect where Danny is going with his post today. This idea that it is possible to come out on the other side of loss and find happiness again. But where I was given pause when he talked about experiencing negative emotions following loss. Particularly with anger.

The idea of anger being a bad or immoral emotion isn't a new one to me. I've struggled with guilt for many years over feeling surges of anger. I internalized a lot of self-criticism about these surges, assuming that something was wrong with me for feeling this way or that somehow I was flawed in my perceptions of the world. Following my diagnosis with infertility and then my miscarriages and failed treatments, these feelings of guilt only intensified following pregnancy announcements of friends and family. I literally entered one of the darkest periods of my life where I hit bottom.

One thing David and Dee helped me confront was this guilt over feeling anger. Embracing my anger and allowing me to work through its roots. There were so many sessions in therapy spent learning it was okay to feel the emotions I was feeling. That only by doing so could I actually begin to heal properly and fully. That there could be resolution.

Still, it left me wondering, why is this fear around anger? Why is this emotion so taboo for so many?

Lori had a post recently that has had me thinking more deeply about this as she explores the importance of struggling and anti-coddling. There's so much good material in this post, especially for someone who is interested in education. But in relation to anger, it got me thinking that the resistance we feel towards anger may also have its roots in sheltering. After all, anger can be a frightening emotion.

Overall, I do think Danny and I have a similar outlook on unresolved anger that turns into bitterness and jealousy. It results in the wound becoming infected and without proper care can have long-lasting if not life-altering affects. Still, I wonder whether we need to reassess how we view anger. That maybe, like pain, it's actually a gift even if nobody wants it.

#MicroblogMondays: unnecessary competition

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Back in those first days of trying to get pregnant (and before a diagnosis of infertility), I joined an online forum for women who were also focusing on charting and timed-intercourse. Overall, the experience there was a good one, with many of the women supporting each other and forming in real life connections. 

There was one post, though, that left me with some negative emotions. Written by a participant who was pregnant for her 7th time, she experience sadness and frustration with family following her SIL announcing her first pregnancy. She felt that her in-laws where more excited about her SIL's pregnancy than her own and expressed jealousy over it. 

Being someone who was rapidly reaching the year mark, it took a lot to not fire off a short retort verbally slapping her. It shouldn't matter, but more importantly it called into question why she was pregnant for a 7th time as it strongly suggested that pregnancy had become a way for her to find self-worth.

This morning, there was an incident on the bus that brought this memory back. A visibly pregnant woman was actively crying on her phone following her SIL's announcement about her pregnancy. She cried loudly about how the family responded excitedly to the announcement, leaving her to feel like her own pregnancy wasn't as important. Granted, she confessed, her SIL had been trying for years to get pregnant and seemed so sad with her own pregnancy announcement. But she couldn't understand why her in-laws would be over the moon when she her pregnancies weren't as celebrated.

In that moment, a high-schooler turned around and caught this woman's eye. Shaking her head sadly, she said loudly "I'm sorry." Surprised, the woman started to complain but this teenager stopped her. 

"I'm sorry that the only way you can feel special is by getting knocked up." 

You could have heard a pin-drop in that moment. 

There is a competition that isn't talked about among women, which is the competition in procreation. With infertility, we talk about missing out on the firsts we envisioned, such as giving our parents their first grandchildren or having to live through those painful pregnancy announcements. We experience jealousy when family members seamlessly do we torture our bodies to do. It is torturous and hard.

But this flipped jealousy is something no one talks about. That a family may be waiting hopefully for their loved ones living with infertility to announce the news they've been hoping and praying for, resulting in those who do so without issue to feel jealous of that response. Upon reflection, given how much focus corporations and society put on the expectant mother, this isn't a surprise that feeling special would be attached. From weekly updates to gender reveal parties to long debates about birth plans, there is a lot of focus that happens as a baby is gestating. After all, it is a special milestone as one is closing the chapter on one aspect of life and moving to another.

Still, there is a competition that can arise when one doesn't feel welcomed into a family. When there's a need to feel accepted or special. And it's sad because it is so unnecessary if not down-right destructive. To hear stories about those living with infertility being told that they don't know what real love is because they can't conceive, despite breaking themselves by enduring fertility treatments. To hear about jealousy following news that this same couple is finally expecting. To have a couple be subjected to ridicule or disparaging comments because they have closed the door on biological children and are either pursuing adoption or living as a family of two. All of it is based on a foundation of insecurity and malice.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness week, with the theme of #StartAsking. There were many good posts talking about support and why that support is so necessary. After today's incident, I would add that we also need to address this competition, taking the focus away from glorifying pregnancy at all costs and focusing instead on the family, regardless of its size. Just as many preach that we need to put less emphasis on the wedding and more on building and maintaining a marriage, so too should we have a similar focus on family building instead of on pregnancy.

My thoughts all morning have been about that pregnant woman on the bus. How sad she looked masked behind jealousy and anger. And I can't help feeling sad for the baby she is carrying. Because everyone does deserve to be happy in life. But we have to find it within ourselves.