Monday, October 16, 2017

#MicroblogMondays: For worse, for better

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

The phone number popped into my head unexpectedly; one that I hadn't thought about in 15 years. A quick internet search confirmed what I suspected: it belonged to a guy (nicknamed "Mr. Wonderful") I had been casually seeing prior to Grey. That lead me down a rabbit hole I hadn't allowed myself to think about for years, ultimately ending with me finding his Facebook page where there was a photo of Mr. Wonderful with two small children. 

Years ago, a woman on a TTC forum I belong to posted a long rant about finding out her ex was getting married. Despite the fact she had a loving husband, a beautiful son and was unexpectedly pregnant with her second (no fertility issues what so ever), she lamented the news that this ex was building a life without her. I remember seeing red upon reading her post, positively angry that someone who had easily achieved the life I was breaking myself over was seemingly pining over an alternative.

As my time in the trenches went on, I would begin tormenting myself with thinking about Grey leaving me, building a life we both desperately wanted with someone else. I had many an ugly cry with those images of him with two small children, thinking of the woman who would help him complete this happy family.

But despite how hard I pushed him away, Grey stayed. Granted we had some help from David and Dee, but the reality is he also made a choice to not give up on the family we already had

Basic Protestant Wedding vows contain a well-known verse of "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health," and yet when asked about the moments of love most people will focus on the for better parts: the happy memories or the richness of life. But what we fail to grasp is that it's the worse parts of life, the hard moments, that truly test love and solidity of relationships. With infertility you get that in spades: the scary RE appointments, the shots in the ass, the tears following someone else's pregnancy announcement, the dark ultrasound rooms where the tech can't find a heartbeat, the negative tests, the pain and even the moments where you wonder if you'll ever find your way out of the darkness. It's in those for worse moments that love is tested and were many find themselves abandoned by those they thought loved them. But there's also the ones that continue to stand beside us, being our rocks, grieving with us, helping us crawl our way out of the darkness and back into the light.

Looking at that photo of Mr. Wonderful with his children, I literally felt the same passing feelings I would feel for a stranger. My he have a happy life. But when I opened up a photo gallery of Grey, containing all the photos we have together through our time together, particularly from our time in the trenches, my heart soared. Because despite the darkness, the hard, the uncertainty and the pain, this is someone who chose to fight with me, to stand by me at all costs. 

For worse, for better. 


  1. Beautiful, Cristy! I wholeheartedly agree. It's easy to love when all is going well, but the value of that love is shown when we're there for each other through the tough times.

  2. So beautiful. Thank you for the reminder to cherish our partners in this crazy ride. There’s no one else I’d rather share the experiences with than Mr Turtle.

  3. This is so, so true. The ugly-crying-why-is-this-happening moments are not pleasant memories for me but they are what I go to in my mind when I need to remember how strong my marriage is and has become over the years.

  4. I’ve often said that I wouldn’t choose to go through infertility again, but if I had to, I’d want to go through it with hubs. Infertility nearly broke us (several times) but we came out of it so much stronger. It’s easy to love in the best of times, but the solidity of a relationship is revealed during the challenging times.

  5. Lovely post, Cristy. <3

    I've Googled some pre-dh boyfriends/crushes... I was amused to see that the Casanova who ardently pursued me in the first few months of my first year of university -- and then abruptly dropped me when it became clear I expected him to act like a real boyfriend & not just hook up at parties -- (and then did the exact same thing to some other poor unsuspecting freshman girl each year thereafter) -- is now a financial planner (!) -- married to a woman who runs a women's Christian ministry (!!) -- AND (drumroll) is now the father of FOUR teenaged/20-something daughters!! Karma can be a beautiful thing, don't you think?? ;) lol

  6. I really love this post. Such a good reminder of how love truly can shine in the darkest times when you wind up leaning on each other. I think my husband and I have grown together - we definitely have a different, deeper relationship now than we did before everything.

  7. This is so beautiful. Choosing your beloved again not because of future sunshine, but because you've walked together on both pleasant and scary paths and come out together.


  8. Oh, gorgeous! Simply beautiful. I loved this: "But what we fail to grasp is that it's the worse parts of life, the hard moments, that truly test love and solidity of relationships." Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. People tend to focus on the "facebook ready" moments and putting that perfect facade out, but I agree that it's the times when you're sitting in the shit that really cement and define you as a couple. I loved the thought of you looking at that facebook page going, "eh, that's nice, have a great life" and then looking at the life you've built and rebuilt with Grey and just feeling this incredible love and warmth and pride. Beautiful.


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