This weekend was a major roadblock. Though the quality time with the Beats was very good, the reality is nothing that needed to be done (like job applications, correspondence, deadlines and finishing lectures). And generally, it never does despite all the best intentions. Normally while this would be a mild frustration, it was aggravated when Grey wanted to start talking about future plans (i.e. strategies for retirement, savings and buying a house). When I pointed out that I still didn't have anything solid lined up for January, he was quick to answer with "I'm sure you'll find something even better."
Despite his best intentions, this really didn't help.
After waking up due to a rather unpleasant nightmare, I've been feeling rather down this morning. And all the self-doubting dialogue was streaming in full force.
What if I don't find a new job?
What if I never will because my contract wasn't renewed?
Maybe it's for the best that I stay home with the Beats in light of the challenges they are facing.
Maybe it was stupid to push for all the things I've pushed for.
It was in that moment, when nothing but negativity was flowing through my brain, that this happened.
The light was so strong, it actually physically hurt.
But it also snapped me back to the moment. To what I was missing with all that bad dialogue and the fact that the main thing holding me back on all of it was me.
Today I'm at the library, staring directly at the mountain of work. But you know what, I've scaled steeper mountains and crawled my way out of deeper pits. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the naysayers say. It time to change the dialogue, snapping out of the mood that is productive to no one.
Your mindfulness and centeredness inspires me.
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