Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Game changer

Yesterday, I started a post talking about broken dreams and finding the need to move forward. In that post, I planned on talking about the biology behind IVF; how it's a great diagnostic tool as well as an effective treatment. How, before IVF, couples were subjected to living quietly with infertility, having no real treatment options, medically speaking. I think it will be a good post, particularly regarding the biology and the advances. But that will be for another time.

Yesterday, after posting about my anxiety disorder about HPTs, I went upstairs to shower and change out the Crinone. It was then that I found blood. Not a lot (none of it made it to the panty liner I was wearing), but enough that all I could think was "it's over." Grey found me in the shower, sobbing like a baby. Immediately, he took control of the situation, ordered me dress, out the door and into the car. His mission was to get me out of the house and to find sunshine, somewhere in the state of WA. So off we went, over the mountain pass.

We didn't find sunshine. But what we did find was snowfall. And during the drive, Grey calmed me down, reminding me that a little bit of blood is normal. And that he wasn't ready to throw in the towel. Because no matter what, we were going to expand our family. Our children exist, it's just a matter of time.

I hadn't seen snow in over a year. Standing outside as those big flakes landed on my face helped me remember happier times. And as I calmed down and began to listen to my body, I realized that even though I had zero pregnancy symptoms, I wasn't ready to quit.

This morning, Grey woke me up and told me it was time. Shaking and crying, I did my first HPT in over 6 months while my darling partner held my hand. And that's when, for the first time in over 2 years of this madness, we saw the second line.

The RE on duty called me 20 minutes ago about the results from the blood test: Beta #1 = 66.  Not as high as I thought it would be, but higher than I ever expected.  Second beta is on Friday.

Today, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. By no means are we out of the woods yet, but today we are further along in this process than I ever allowed myself to imagine we would be.  But I'm also sad too. I'm sad because I want all of you to have this too (outside of the hysterics . . . that I'll keep). I want to be able to wave my magic wand and to give all of us a baby, right now. Because all of you will be mothers, and awesome ones to boot.

Grey and I are off to go spin the prayer wheels.

19 comments:

  1. I just teared up reading about you seeing your second line, finally.
    As far as being out of the woods, it's scary in the beginning, but just remember:
    Cristy, today you are pregnant. And that's all that matters today.
    I'm so happy for you, lady. Celebrate! You have a baby growing inside of you.
    ~Keisha~

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so happy for you! Hearing you saw a double line gives me so much hope! Woo hoo, Cristy! Keisha is right - you are pregnant TODAY!

    ReplyDelete
  3. CONGRATS! That was similar to my beta. What did your RE say about it?

    ReplyDelete
  4. That all is good at the moment. Now it needs to double.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Huge congrats. I got chills reading your post. Good luck with beta #2--I'll be thinking of you. Your husband sounds like such a sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It will. It's a good first beta! Congrats on that second line! Take care of yourself and that little bean growing inside of you! (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  7. A wonderful thing to see, that second line.

    I am happy for you dear. I hope everything goes well in the next couple weeks and you get those rising numbers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is beautifully written. Honestly, after my day I wasn't sure how I would feel after reading the next blog that got a positive. Now I know. I am so happy for you. Maybe I should go find some snow.

    ReplyDelete
  9. YAHOOO!!! So excited for your positive HPT and Beta. It is an amazing feeling to finally see 2 lines. Wishing you the best for beta #2!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The best advice I received with my 2nd pregnancy was from my Dr. He told me that the only thing we can control in this process is staying positive. Just continue to stay positive - if everything works out, it will be better for the baby - if not, you can't control anything anyways. I wish you all the happiness! Just keep staying positive!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Woohoo!!! Congratulations!
    I was tearing up reading this (at work), as I totally know the feelings you were and are going through. Fingers crossed and try not to stress. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oohhh my gosh!! I'm so excited to hear the 2nd beta results. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Congratulations! Oh and sunshine here in WA of late I swear is non-existent.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Congratulations! I am so happy for you! GL on future betas!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Just wanted to say it here as well. CONGRATULATIONS! Over the moon for you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  16. CONGRATULATIONS!! I am sooooo very excited for you! Praying for higher numbers on your second beta!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Congratulations! Hope your beta triples for peace of mind!

    ReplyDelete

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved